Leaving Scientology is hard to do - but I have to, thanks to Anonymous.

I hear you. I'm ex-staff FCDC. Dir of Personnel (HCO) lo these many moons ago. Let me first say that I left in 1975. And I'm not dead. That's the first lie, that you fall apart if you leave your group. It's bullshit.

Secondly, you've got it worse than me. I was lucky because it was just me. I had no family inside. So anything I can say will only go so far. You will end up being able to say more to me than I will to you. You are WAY over my level because of that, and I don't have many ideas that would be worth much of how to help you there.

For my money though, what I would start with is what started my doubts. "Psychosomatic" stuff was not going away as promised. I was able to "act like" it wasn't there, but if I was making through with all these flying colors why were the same old complaints happening? And how is it the only answer is "everything will be handled further along on the Bridge", and yet OTs are still getting sick, still losing their heads over stupid shit, and still unable to handle anyone else's stuff without mocking up a state of "it isn't there" when the problem hasn't gone away at all?

Yes those are the little things. And yes you're right about that being the best road out.

But also, the LANGUAGE. Stop using the LANGUAGE of Scientology. It only deepens the mindset. There are normal everyday words for terms Scientology uses, and many terms have an automatic set-up for dismissing genuine things. For instance; is that a strong feeling you have there, deeply attached to your personal conscience / or is it just "charge" you're demonstrating? See? Some of their words are MEANT to negate honest, real-life conditions.

You're happy - it's not just a "floating needle". You didn't "pull it in" - most times shit just happens.

And if you can't find an everyday substitution for the Scienospeak - it's probably BULLSHIT.

Ridding yourself of the insidious, subtle, mind-numbing language is also a good step. It's also hard. But breaking it breaks the chain.

There are plenty of us out here. You made the right call.

Hi FFL,

If you ever want to wonder over to ESMB you would be welcomed warmly and I'm certain you would find lots of people who are either going through exactly what you are going through, or have been through it in their lives.

If the truth be known, it's likely we never really get "over it'. It's more like any sigificantly harmful thing that happens in life, you hurt and you struggle, then you begin to understand what happened to you and then you begin to heal.

I'm the admin of ESMB and you can PM me here if you need anything.

Originally Posted by D...

Just, in general, communicate with her. It might be a good idea to get you two solidly into another activity. Something enjoyable, with real results, that can also build community. Take dancing lessons, go skiing, join a club, take extra lessons at a college/community college and learn a new language, do some home improvement, or even do some community service like help at soup kitchens. Anything that will help you put a solid footing back into society and invest in self outside of CoS.

^ This

Put some effort into making sure that your relationship with your wife is stronger than the Org's control of your wife. Make time to spend time together doing whatever. Think of it as courting her all over again. Dates, vacation.

Change/loss of a belief system is one of the most difficult processes a person can undergo. The fact that you're doing so well shedding the mental chains of Scientology speaks to great courage and strength of character.

I would strongly disagree with those who are telling you to don a mask and join the pickets - until you and your wife are both solidly free from the cult and not dependent on it for income, it would be best for the CoS to believe they still have you. Your departure from the CoS makes this a transitional period, during which you'll be particularly vulnerable to Fair Game, so I'd personally recommend trying to stay below OSA's radar.

Stay strong, and best wishes.

Stay strong ffl, I have never been personally involved in a cult but someone close to me was for years (not sci), she married into it, and has only recently gotten out. There is no way to describe how relieved i was when she got out. If you have family or friends on the outside they will be relieved and happy to hear from you again when you do make the final break. As for how to get your wife out there is very little that i can add that hasn't already been added. Good luck and stay safe and keep in touch.

FFL I extend a hand of friendship and express to you how happy it makes me to see that you are starting to ask questions and look with your eyes open. I am sorry that you find yourself having to walk this path with great care so your wife will not report you.

I can not begin to imagine how hard this is for you sense I was never "IN" Scientology. I was however a part of a "online" group of people with a clear leader. and if you questioned him ... well you were kicked out or had to make amends over and over again to stay. They were a manipulative group of people and I was with them for 5 yrs before I left. I look back and realize they behaved like a cult in many ways and I wonder why I joined them. I relapsed 3 times of the years sense I left. And kick myself each time.

They were the only friends I had so when I left I was messed up bad. So in some aspects I can relate to the conflict inside a person trying to leave the Co$. But I am off track.

I am glad your eyes have been opened. You will and have found many people here that will support you in these confusing hard times. There are those here that can and will help you through the process I am sure.

Welcome Back to the Land of the Living FFL

FFL,

Welcome to your life! You sound intelligent and strong--you will be fine. The world is now open to you more than you know!

WELCOME TO YOUR LIFE

You may want to read up on how they pressure people back into the cult. There are plenty of leaving stories on the xenu.net & ex-scientology boards.

If you know what is coming & how they work, you will better understand how to defend yourself.

FFL: re your wife. That is a tough one.

I would go very very slow. In the meantime, be sure to put a lot of effort into your relationship outside scientology. As much alone time together, talking deeply about real things that have nothing to do with scientology. Love bomb her (as a woman, I can tell yo that there is no way this will not work--if more men got this, more marriages would "last."). Try to find ways to have fun. Laughter is always remembered. So are flowers!

Make her feel like she is special and intelligent, try to get her to express her opinions and thought. Be VERY interested (this is to break the programing by the cult that her individual thoughts/opinions are good or bad). Don't judge, just listen and try to understand (which is not the same as agreement). Affirm her intelligence. Ask for lots of input regarding non-scientology issues/family decisions. Try to find more ways to confide in her about your feelings (non-scientology) as this will open up communication and trust that the cult interfers with (ie, not allowing spouses to discuss "spiritual progress" with each other).

Find ways to occupy her time outside scientology activities. Subscribe to newspapers and magazines so that there is an "awareness" in your home regarding the outside world. Its an election year, so there is a lot to talk about in that regard!

I say all this--because you need to center yourself as more important than the cult. She needs to know how committed you are to her, and that you respect her no matter what. And you never know, she may be having her own doubts and be afraid to speak for the same reasons you are. But the main thing is that you find a way for it to be all right to disagree about other stuff w/out it being a matter of right or wrong. You can make it an issue of pride, a way to compliment her: "well, I don't always agree with my wife, but I always know that she always has a good reason for what she believes." Or "even when we don't see eye to eye, I always respect where she is coming from." The cult will NEVER give her that kind of acknowledgment.

I know I am rambling--but I do believe that if you make an effort to really reach out to her as a woman and as a wife, eventually she will be inoculated from the cult. You have the capacity to offer unconditional love, which is very powerful and does not exist in scientology vocabulary. If you have children, the same will go for them (watch the lawrence woodcraft vids--I really believe that his capacity to be both patient and offer the only non-judgmental safe place in his kids life was responsible for his success in getting them out).

Good luck--and I also hope that a better job opportunity comes your way soon!

Originally Posted by D...

Just, in general, communicate with her. It might be a good idea to get you two solidly into another activity. Something enjoyable, with real results, that can also build community. Take dancing lessons, go skiing, join a club, take extra lessons at a college/community college and learn a new language, do some home improvement, or even do some community service like help at soup kitchens. Anything that will help you put a solid footing back into society and invest in self outside of CoS.

Life without scientology is NOT empty. You've shaken your constraints and while it might feel like there's little left- what you've really got is the whole world in front of you.

Thirded

Originally Posted by D...

It might be a good idea to get you two solidly into another activity. Something enjoyable, with real results, that can also build community. Take dancing lessons, go skiing, join a club, take extra lessons at a college/community college and learn a new language, do some home improvement, or even do some community service like help at soup kitchens. Anything that will help you put a solid footing back into society and invest in self outside of CoS.

This is great advice. You've had two feet on the Scientology platform for so long, it's no wonder you're feeling off your feet now that platform is gone. So branch out. Join a team sport or a club or a class or something. Meet non-Sci people. Makes new friends. It would be best to do this with your wife, but if she won't join you, do it on your own. You will need these stable factors in your life while things are in turmoil. Beef up and build up your life outside Scientology. Call up old friends.

I would not look into religion just yet. I think trying to fill the gap with a new 'salvation method' could leave you quite vulnerable to all kinds of evil. Most people spend their lives without absolute certainty. I know it's scary, but you do get used to it after a while. Learn to be comfortable with the grey, and you will be less vulnerable to people who see the world in black and white.

anon1957 gave great advice about your relationship with your wife. As a suggestion for activities, perhaps you could both take language classes together, and promise yourselves a holiday to the language/country after a set period of time? You will spend time together, outside of the CoSphere, you will occupy your time, it'll be good for your relationship, and the prospect of a romantic holiday would be enjoyable.
If you're not into language learning, consider a dance class with some kind of fancy dinner/dance occasion at the end, or something on those lines.

Good luck, take care.

Stop doing the courses. This is probably harder than I think it is, but save that money and, like everyone else has been suggesting, do something fun with it. Something you and your wife have always wanted to do. Trip to France, climb the Rockies, skydiving... The world is a pretty amazing place when you come out from behind the bullshit shield. Consider what you enjoy outside scientology and build on that.

And, for other religions, I agree with Anonymeep that it would be a bad idea. You don't want to leave one cult just to be sucked into another. Leave, spend some time getting back on your feet, and take life as it comes.

That would be hard. ._.

But, none-the-less, I'm glad you've taken the time to actually research it for yourself and make your own decisions. We're here for you, to help you through it. Keep your chin up, as it will get better with time.

The best thing you could do is to be a support to others who have decided to leave. It really does help if you surround yourself with people who understand what you're going through and how you're feeling.

Good luck. <3

Thanks for alll the kind words and great advice. I was on Ex-Scientologists Message Board last night, and it is great for me. LOTS of people sharing stories that I can relate to. There is something strangely conforting about reading other Ex-Scn stories. There are so many people that had it much worse than I did. Thank Gawd that I didn't join the Sea Org. I looked at joining in 1993 and again in 2003.

I've been off course for 3 years, so it's easy for me not to go back. My wife has been on a leave of absence from her course for 3 months. Hopefully she won't go back.

But it's going to take some time for me to sort everything out. I find myself thinking about things and saying "I don't get it, I just don't get it". I say that a lot. I think the mental sorting process will be done when I don't say that to myself anymore.